I was reading through my journal a few weeks ago... Here's a little bit of what I read (w/ different names of course ;]) :

So! Trevor isn't who I thought he was. I can't trust him. Why would he do that to me? How could he if he loved me? I have N-E-V-E-R been so hurt in my life. I'm mean to people, I hate everything, and I have a bad attitude about everything and everyone. It turns into anger. And into sadness. It's the worst I've ever felt. NOTHING Stew EVER did or said to me hurt near as much. Isn't that why I left him for Trev in the first place? Because Trev would keep me safe from pain and always make me happy? It seems as though the roles were switched. Stew was there for me. It hurts to know that I'm with the one who hurt me the most when there's someone who would do absolutely anything entirely in this world for me. How can I trust Trevor again when it's so hard to trust in the first place?

....

Why did he have to do that to me? Everyone who found out couldn't believe it. I'm not good enough.. for him. Maybe I should just let him go so he can find someone who is. Obviously Kara is. I don't know if I can with him. It hurts too bad. Maybe I should just get over it. But why should I make something that matters to me into something that doesn't mean anything? Every time I kiss him, sit in his truck, lay in bed at night, he gets a text I think of him kissing her.

How can I get over this? Am I doing the right thing by staying with him? I'm so afraid he'll do it again. My heart sinks as soon as I'm not with him. My heart literally hurts. Maybe we shouldn't be together. Sometimes I wonder if I even feel the same about him. Well, I know I do, but I don't want to give him the love I feel for him. I don't know why... Because he doesn't deserve it... Because I don't want to give it to him if he doesn't appreciate it; if he's going to hurt me again.

.....

I can't be with him if I'm not the only one he wants. I can find someone who wants me and only me; who thinks I'm perfect and will love me more than anything and appreciates me. Someone who will make me the happiest I've EVER been. Someone who will be who he was "suppose" to be.



Ok, end of journal entry. It was pretty hard to read. I was mad at myself for a long time for staying with him. After reading that though, I realized I can't blame a hurt and confused girl. Luckily, I was able to forgive myself for staying with him, and along with that I was able to forgive him. All the hate and anger just isn't there anymore.

I just wish I could find the girl that wrote that and tell her to break up with him bc he doesn't deserve her time or energy.. Especially her love. Tell her that there will be someone who he was "supposed to be" and they will be a zillion times better than even that. I think that's why I ccouldn't stand him for so long. Because I gave him chance after chance and he kept fucking up and hurting me.

And now here I am with Codey. He treats me soooo good. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am. Seriously, he is worth the wait.. Codey is way beyond the person that "Trevor" was "suppose" to be. Far more than that. I am so thankful (and so VERY lucky) to have such an incredible person in my life.

But the whole point of me posting is that I want EVERYONE to know if you're in a bad relationship that there IS someone better! I promise you. Why would you do that to yourself? Stay with someone who isn't the absolute best to you?? YOU deserve the best you can possibly find. And if you're too scared to break up with them or you feel you love them still or you don't want to be alone just know that there are good people in your life that will help you through it. If not, I will! Get ahold of me. I want you to be the happiest you can possibly be.

You deserve the very best.

another change

Ever since I started here at Western I've been so confused about what I want to do with my life! Honestly, I can't even remember what college I applied to when I sent in my readmission application. I know that when I met with an advisor for the first time he had to change my major to political science. Why political science?? Because I wanted to work for the UN and do what I can to help people in parts of the world where their government doesn't protect them. And alot of the jobs I wanted required degrees in polisci. Oh but then I take a look at the classes that are required for polisci and realized those aren't at all what I was interested in. Even in the least.

Then I changed it again before school started (to aviation maintenance). Since then I've changed my mind so many times. I even considered going to school to do hair. And even taking a semester off! That would have been a bad idea and I knew it. So I figured flight science would be pretty cool. I mean, flying is one of my most favorite things to do! It's nice to just be off the ground and away from all the problems that exist down here, ya know?

So what's the point of this blog?? I've changed my mind again! This might sound dumb to some of you... I had a bad dream about flying, I mean it was really bad. And now I don't want to do that anymore. Plus, I feel like there's something else I need to be doing.

Are you ready for this? I would love to be a kindergarten teacher! Weird, right? I always complain about kids and how I don't like them. But really, kids love me. I like to play with kids and have fun with them. Actually, I'm kinda just an older, littler bit bigger version of a kid! Plus, I've ALWAYS loved school. Math is my fave. subject, but I really like all subjects. How fun would it be?? Lots. I'll get to teach them the days of the week, sing songs, eat snacks, take naps, have guests.. Unlike alot of teachers, I'd go outside and play with them at recess. Oh!! And something I am SOOO excited about is teaching them math! I'd wanna teach them alot of math early on. And, grading their papers would be super easy: awe, Timmy spelled cat as k-a-t. sad face. Paper graded. Haha.

Another thing I'm excited about is teach them life essentials. Like, accept everybody, be friends with everybody, help others.. You know, teach them to be good people early on. You know, my kindergarten teacher was my favorite teacher for a really long time, haha.

So, anyway.. That's that. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so happy with this decision and I think this one will actually stick. :]

gah!

I know I always talk about how much I hate school.. I think it's bc I don't (or didn't rather) know what I want (wanted) to do for the rest of my life. All through high school I knew what I wanted, but then I graduated and then I had no idea. Awesome. So I've been going back and forth since then. Since I was going to SMC though, it didn't really matter considering the fact that I was mainly taking gen eds and working towards my associates in science. NOW though, I need to know what I want to do bc I'm at the point where I should be taking those specific classes for my bachelor's.



So, my original plan was to come here (Western) for aviation maintenance. Although, what I really wanted to do was flight science but EVERYONE always told me there was a height requirement. So, maintenance it is. Besides the fact that it sounds super boring and not at all what I wanted to do. There I was just hating school, not wanting to do what I was doing. I was all sorts of confused. Just a few days ago I talked to a girl I know (Becky, she's pretty cool if you ask me) and she said that height requirements are more for military flying. Earlier this fall (to make a long story short) I was emailing the dean of aviation about the whole height requirement thing and he suggested trying out an CRJ simulator to check my sitting height. So, after I talked to Becky I got to thinking that maybe I would take him up on that offer.

So today I went to Battle Creek to sit in some planes and check out the CRJ simulator.. Turns out that I'm tall enough! Even in the planes where the rutters don't adjust. How exciting?! So I'm switching my major from aviation maintenance to flight science. I'm scheduled for spring classes and all that good stuff.

Hopefully now that I have a purpose I'll like school a bit more. And hopefully I'll be getting some better teachers! (I did mean what I said about the worthless teachers here at Western.. they suck) But anyway, I am soo excited!! You have no idea how fun it was to even just get in the planes and sit! Oh and the flight simulators are unbelievable! I wish you all could have been there with me to see it. But anyway, that's my update..

This my 3rd time attempt at this post! I'm going to get it done!! I have had so much on my mind lately.. There are zillion things I want to share with all of you (the very few that happen to read this that is..). Today I've been thinking about how much things have changed. I gotta admit, I'm not a big fan of change. You think you have everything figured out and then you turn around only to realize that everything is completely different! It's a pain in the ass, lemme tell ya'.

Seriously though, I've changed so much since high school. Not just my life in general, but personally too. I felt as though I was pretty nice back then, but of course, that's just what I thought. I'd hate to think of what people REALLY thought of me.. Ha, Idk. But I did try. Once you get out of high school you realize there are so many other things to worry about. Life is suddenly yours. You thought you had real responsibility when you finally got to pick your own high school classes. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! If only that's all I had to worry about now..

But back to the changes.. The friends you thought you would stay close to after high school move on with their lives. The security in knowing that you didn't HAVE to know what you wanted to do with the rest of your life no longer exists. Even though all of this sounds depressing, it isn't. If you were anything like me, you didn't think anything could get any better than high school. But then I graduated and life was a billion times better! You find out who your REAL friends are and realize that those are the ones who REALLY matter. You start to mold your own life. Life on your own starts after high school. You can choose to do anything.. Work instead of going to school. Go to school and choose which path in life you want to take. (I think a mosquito was just gnawing on my leg..)

I don't really know what I'm getting at. All I know is that right now, I love my life. Yes I've gone through huge changes, especially in the past year, but I've handle them well. I miss my friends. GOD I MISS MY FRIENDS! We've all began to start our own lives and that makes it difficult, ya know?? I miss my mom, and whole family for that matter. Oh how I miss my cat.. I miss not paying bills or having to worry if there's enough toilet paper. However, I do LOVE living on my own. I do love making new friends and still having the old. But the change that I love most is the person I've become (Ok, that sounds self-centered.. but you'll understand in a minute) I'm not sure about the type of person I was back in high school, or even the year or so after. But now I know I'm a good person. I try so hard to be the best person I can. I love and care for people so easily. I want EVERYONE (even you reading this) to know that they don't deserve to be judged, or looked down on; that they deserve the absolute best in life; that they are beautiful; and more than anything, they deserve to be LOVED. And if noone else will, I will. And that's why my personal change is the change I love most.

Anyway.. Sorry this is so deep! I told you I had alot on my mind lately. I swear all of these won't be like that. I'm going to go now and watch some funny videos on youtube.. Or go wake Codey up! Hope you liked readind :]

the very 1st one..

I am so excited to start a blog! I really don't have any time right now to make this thing all fancy, but hopefully some time soon. This should be fun.. For me atleast. I hope you'll have fun reading too!! I can't believe I'm going to cut my first blog short, but I have too too much homework. I've been procrastinating all too often lately and I hate having to catch up. I'll start blogging after tomorrow! (Why tomorrow?? Long day of school + homework between classes + test + studying for Wednesday's physics quiz = no time for anything else!) Anyway, have a good night (and day tomorrow) everyone!!