I was reading through my journal a few weeks ago... Here's a little bit of what I read (w/ different names of course ;]) :
So! Trevor isn't who I thought he was. I can't trust him. Why would he do that to me? How could he if he loved me? I have N-E-V-E-R been so hurt in my life. I'm mean to people, I hate everything, and I have a bad attitude about everything and everyone. It turns into anger. And into sadness. It's the worst I've ever felt. NOTHING Stew EVER did or said to me hurt near as much. Isn't that why I left him for Trev in the first place? Because Trev would keep me safe from pain and always make me happy? It seems as though the roles were switched. Stew was there for me. It hurts to know that I'm with the one who hurt me the most when there's someone who would do absolutely anything entirely in this world for me. How can I trust Trevor again when it's so hard to trust in the first place?
Why did he have to do that to me? Everyone who found out couldn't believe it. I'm not good enough.. for him. Maybe I should just let him go so he can find someone who is. Obviously Kara is. I don't know if I can with him. It hurts too bad. Maybe I should just get over it. But why should I make something that matters to me into something that doesn't mean anything? Every time I kiss him, sit in his truck, lay in bed at night, he gets a text I think of him kissing her.
How can I get over this? Am I doing the right thing by staying with him? I'm so afraid he'll do it again. My heart sinks as soon as I'm not with him. My heart literally hurts. Maybe we shouldn't be together. Sometimes I wonder if I even feel the same about him. Well, I know I do, but I don't want to give him the love I feel for him. I don't know why... Because he doesn't deserve it... Because I don't want to give it to him if he doesn't appreciate it; if he's going to hurt me again.
I can't be with him if I'm not the only one he wants. I can find someone who wants me and only me; who thinks I'm perfect and will love me more than anything and appreciates me. Someone who will make me the happiest I've EVER been. Someone who will be who he was "suppose" to be.
Ok, end of journal entry. It was pretty hard to read. I was mad at myself for a long time for staying with him. After reading that though, I realized I can't blame a hurt and confused girl. Luckily, I was able to forgive myself for staying with him, and along with that I was able to forgive him. All the hate and anger just isn't there anymore.
I just wish I could find the girl that wrote that and tell her to break up with him bc he doesn't deserve her time or energy.. Especially her love. Tell her that there will be someone who he was "supposed to be" and they will be a zillion times better than even that. I think that's why I ccouldn't stand him for so long. Because I gave him chance after chance and he kept fucking up and hurting me.
And now here I am with Codey. He treats me soooo good. I can't even begin to describe how happy I am. Seriously, he is worth the wait.. Codey is way beyond the person that "Trevor" was "suppose" to be. Far more than that. I am so thankful (and so VERY lucky) to have such an incredible person in my life.
But the whole point of me posting is that I want EVERYONE to know if you're in a bad relationship that there IS someone better! I promise you. Why would you do that to yourself? Stay with someone who isn't the absolute best to you?? YOU deserve the best you can possibly find. And if you're too scared to break up with them or you feel you love them still or you don't want to be alone just know that there are good people in your life that will help you through it. If not, I will! Get ahold of me. I want you to be the happiest you can possibly be.
You deserve the very best.